the world keeps moving

 overthinking is definitely a constant in my life. old habits die hard after all.

i am an observer more than i am a do-er, which sucks because i seem to be surrounded by doers. so most of the time i feel like i am stuck. only waiting for deadlines to occupy 99% of my brain, making me freeze in place. and that is when everything crumbles around me.

i look around and i do nothing. observing won't take me far but it is all i seem to be able to do.

i have tried to accept stillness, enjoy quietness, but the world needs the opposite-- movement, action.

what to do. what to do. i feel like i know the answer: to keep going. but my body does not want to cooperate.

suga from bts once said that to get out of a slump is to just keep going. since i heard those words from the first time, it's all i have been doing. mindlessly moving on, turning in assignments, writing, reading, somehow even getting my bachelor's degree.

i still wonder how have i managed to make it this far. twenty-two years of life in which i have danced, acted, studied, played many instruments, done castings, posted vlogs, done covers, written poems, embroidered, sold some of my works, shared with many people, and a handful of other experiences that have impacted who i am as a person, but i am not able to materialize any of those experiences in order to feel like i have actually accomplished something in my lifetime.

there are too many things to do, but about half of them are impossible considering where i am from and my resources. and no amount of luck can help me. at least that's how i see it. (please prove me wrong)

all these scattered thoughts will make sense one day. or at least i'll be able to look back and see how scared i was of growing up and moving forward.

but at least i am still here.

i'll edit this some day. for now, this is what's in my brain.